Peter
You fear that you’re missing out on other areas of your life
‘‘The uneasy and sometimes all-consuming feeling that you’re missing out – that your peers are doing, in the know about, or in possession of more or something better than you’.”
If you’re in your 20s or 30s and you fear that you’re not really experiencing the full spectrum of life, then it might be time to ask yourself whether you need a break from your partner.
Perhaps you’d like to trial dating new people. Or you just want to be free to explore the world. Whatever it is, you’re not going to be young for too much longer.
And you don’t want to have regrets when you decide to start a family and settle down.
But of course, you don’t want to make this decision lightly. It could be worth it to talk with your partner about how you feel you’re missing out on other areas of life. There might be a way for you to work through it so you can both experience new things together.
But if you feel a break from each other is the only way to discover different areas of life, then communicate clearly your expectations of what this entails for you and your partner.
Why should you take a break?
Per Birch: “A successful relationship break allows you to do a couple things. First and foremost, you can focus on the problem at hand without feeling the constant burden of a disappointed partner. (Some easily overwhelmed people feel crippled to handle their ‘life stuff’ when they feel they are constantly letting down the person they love.) Secondly, you’ll find out how much you really miss your significant other. If it’s been weeks, and you don’t miss them at all, or you’re more productive and happier without them, maybe it’s time to break up. On the flip side, if your partner’s absence suddenly makes you see all the ways they improve your life, you can return to the relationship with a renewed commitment to communicate, show your partner love and work toward balancing the partnership with all other obligations.” In essence, it helps you gain perspective.
When is a break a good idea?
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to the matter, there are instances where taking a break in a relationship is more likely to aid in your eventual reconciliation. “You should consider a break when you’ve lost perspective on the relationship, or something else is preventing you or your partner from giving the relationship the time and attention it deserves,” explains Birch.
This might be something external, like a big move or a job change, that has put pressures on the amount of energy you can give one another. But it can also happen if you’ve been together forever, especially if you first started dating at a very young age. We know one couple who got together during freshman year of high school and had never been apart since. In their mid-20s, they decided to take a break. It’s not that they weren’t good together. It was simply inevitable that one or both of them became curious about what else was out there, and if their relationship was suited to adult life. (And good news: After the break, they came back together, decided to get married and now have an adorable daughter.)
Extreme stress, unrelated to the relationship, can be another valid cause for break-taking. Think: a severe illness or a familial conflict. We spoke to one woman who asked for a break with her boyfriend after getting a breast cancer diagnosis, because she just didn’t have the headspace to manage both her treatment and a romantic life.
Birch elaborates, “It’s tough, because partners expect to be prioritized. But it’s not always possible to prioritize your significant other in every day or every season of your life. It’s not that there’s a lack of love, but there is a lack of attention and care. Sometimes, you need to change your perspective in order to get a better view on what you have.”
When is a break a bad idea?
While it never hurts to try a break before officially breaking up, there are instances where it’s less likely to work, say the experts. For instance, “If one of you wants to date other people, because you think there may be someone better out there for you, it’s best to break up, not take a break,” says Birch. The reason? Quality dating takes time, and the first rule of taking a break is that you need to have an end-date in mind. In other words, you can’t give dating (The apps! The mind games! The excitement!) due diligence if you’ve got a note on your calendar to get back together with your ex. “If life leads you back to your partner in due time, that’s amazing. I’ve seen that narrative happen. But let the person go, free and clear. And then pursue other people,” says Birch.
Similarly, a history of cheating might be a red flag, both because serial cheating is a tough habit to break and more specifically because you might not be able to trust your partner while you’re in your no-contact period (unless, of course, that’s part of your arrangement). “You may just wind up anxious about them the entire time you’re apart,” warns Birch.
